Save Me Jebus, Pt 2

Came across this link while staggering around on Fark... Click here.

Oh, boy, I said to myself, oh, boy.

Thinking to myself, I mumbled, self, this has got to be one sad and lonely and sexually frustrated guy in Winnipeg. Who in this giant land of ours would think this? No one else, I was sure.

Ha.
Double ha.

Alberta has one, but that should be of no real suprise.

And another, again, no real suprise.

But Ontario... Shocked, I am, shocked.

And here is the real kicker. What in the name of Stompin Tom Connors are these folks thinking?

Lord, give me strength, that's all I can say.

If anyone comes across any others, let me know. Thanks in advance.

Oh, boy.

Save Me, Jebus...

Don't want to be an alarmist here, but... Someone is planning on using some WMD's and it isn't Iran... Get scared here...

Finished reading?

How about now? Okay.

Like I said before, I don't want to be an alarmist here, but... What in Dick Cheney's underpants are they thinking? Have things in Iraq gone so well that they think they can reproduce the experiment next door? Shit, fuck, goddamn.

The only thing that remotely makes any kind of sense to me, and, I don't know, maybe its a stretch... But, what if the Americans pulled out of Iraq right now, at this moment. They just packed up and went home. Said, "Hey, its been fun, its been real, but it hasn't been real fun." They just picked up their toys and said we're not going to play anymore.

Picturing it? Got the image in your mind? The Americans, the British, everyone just packs up and goes.

What happens next?

A civil war, for sure. Probably one that would make the Cambodian civil war look like a well-organized orgy in the Playboy grotto...

And then...what?

How long until the Iranian government starts looking at its rowdy neighbor and begins thinking, "hey, our rowdy neighbor, we should do something about him..." How long until the Iranians take a long, hard look at the Iran-Iraq war and start planning a sequel? Saddam is gone, the country is a mess, the military is in tatters.

Is the only thing holding them back right now the American presence?

Have the Americans screwed things up so badly in Iraq that they need to launch a pre-emptive strike against the Iranians just to prevent them from marching across the border and ordering a round of drinks in Baghdad by the end of the day? Is the Bush administration that void of critical thinking that this is the only possible solution to what they began, what, three years ago?


That border crossing must be a little tempting, the extra oil fields, the easy access to Kuwait and Saudi Arabia and... Jesus, did I just type that? That's dangerous thinking right there. A giant pan-Arabian nation, a giant oil-producing theocracy controlling everything from the Afghan border to Mecca and beyond... Dangerous thinking.

I don't know, though. Its all very... Tom Clancy, that's what it is.

Executive Orders, by Tom Clancy.


Jack Ryan becomes the President, Saddam is assassinated by an Iranian agent, Iran invades Iraq and then moves on Saudi Arabia... and Jack Ryan saves the day, of course.

Is the Bush Administration looking to Tom Clancy novels for inspiration, for foreign policy?

Christ.

Like I said before, I don't want to be an alarmist here, but...

Another Post

Was searching for the Simpsons trailer... found it. Yay. It seems quite a few were removed due to copyright infringement - I'm looking at you, YouTube...

Here's the link for the happy geek... click here. Heads up, its in Quicktime.

Ciao.

Strange Rumblings From Jupiter

Too cool, must share.

Jupiter has another Big Red Spot.

Read about Red, Jr. here.


Had to share.

Strange Rumblings From New Jersey, Cont'd

Now that I have successfully, and gracefully (see previous entry... heh, Ball Butter... heh), entered middle age, I look at my life and see where I have been a Champ - wife, house, two dogs and a fish, and a Cuban refugee boat full of great friends - and where I have been a Chump - look at my job, fuck, just look at it, what happened...
Anyway, like I was saying, with the receding hairline and the-not-enjoying of the first smoke of the day anymore, and the job - just fucking look at it, how did this happen...

Sorry.

Anyways...
I have come to the realization that the guy in the back of the cab in '93 was partially right - I was headed nowhere. But what he didn't know, and probably still doesn't - I mean, come on, who wears a Hugo Boss suit and has the balls to tell the guy depending on his tip that he's a loser, I mean, really - is what I know... if it pays the bills, does it matter? If you've got an amazing wife, a house, two dogs and a fish, and a Cuban refugee boat full of great friends, does the forty hours you spend at work really matter?
Know what I mean?

Clerks was, and is, just about the only movie ever made that captures the feelings of a twenty-something when he wakes up and realizes that he's headed nowhere, and the destination is quickly approaching. It could be behind the counter or it could be behind the steering wheel of a cab, but I think that Kevin Smith truly captured that moment when you realize some decisions need to be made or it might be too late and you could end up living above the New American until the sun cools. The decision to start showering on a regular basis and to grow some in order to face the world head-on was a fierce moment, and it was a scary moment. But, hey, I had help. And help came and kicked me firmly in the ass.

But, then, you have to wonder, what if some folks didn't make that decision...



Now that shit could be funny.

The Clerks 2 trailer has been unleashed upon the world... They still serve you and they still don't like you.

Go to clerks2.com now.

Spread the word. August 18, 2006. Mark it on your calendar now. Book it off or quit your job - what, you had something important to do that day at the office?

Snooch.



PS... If you share the man-crush, or are just a sucker for junkie-friend-quitting-junk stories, Kevin Smith is sharing in a multiple-chapter blog about his hetro-life mate, Jason Mewes... over at My Boring Ass Life

Just Having Fun...

So we have a new computer-thing. It is an Imac. It is very powerful and fast and sleek and kinda sexy in inantimate object way...

And with this new computer I can now add pictures to my blogging fun.

And now I will attempt to add a picture to this blogging episode...



Hee, hee...

Let's try another...



Hee, hee...



Have your own fun at Cereal Freak.

Hee, hee...

You Can't Make This Shit Up...

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Strange Rumblings In Pat Boone's Head

So I'm on Fark.com tonight, and I find this link. Read it. It will make you feel warm and fuzzy. When you need the truth, always look for Pat Boone, I say. Essentially, old white-bread himself states that the Media and the Mainstream Politicians are ignoring proof that Iraq had the WMD (I hate that... WMD... let's change it to... Big Can Of Whoop Ass...yeah) ...that Iraq had the Big Can Of Whoop Ass but hid it in Syria. So your first question is, of course, what in the name of Tooti Fruiti is this guy mumbling about? Second question, this guy's still alive - shit, I've got to check my Dead Pool. So... there are tapes... here there be a link to the tale on CNN. So, the Media is ignoring it, huh, Pat. Thank the pyjamas for that bright light of the Right, CNN... Shit, this guy makes it too easy.

So the low-down is, yep, there be tapes. There be tapes of our villans chatting and plotting. But... ahh, shit, just read the CNN post. I'm losing some precious hair just stressing about the lack of common sense some folks have (I'm looking at you, Mr. Boone). Is this the best the Bush support can do? Sad, really. I remember fondly the days of Reagan when his support would just tell people to shut the fuck up. Reagan's out of touch, we would say. They would say, who ended the Cold War... shut the fuck up.

Sorry, must pause. Tearing up. Those were good days, weren't they?

I'm back. Deep breath. All better.

The Right used to be an enemy to be proud of. It was the guy in the bar that half the bar feared, but some could say "I've gone to parking lot with that lout, I'm lucky to be still standing..." Now, well... its starting to become like picking on the drunk guy in the bar who has been to the parking lot and has been beaten and has pissed himself and is trying to get back in the bar, but the bouncer is carrying him upside-down back to the parking lot where the gay kid in the wheelchair he used to pick on is waiting for him with some friends...

Jesus, where was I going with this? Oh, yeah - I remember now. The right has become C. C. Deville. The left... well, its still kind of like Brett Michaels, but here's its chance to make like Mike Ness and tear the buggers some new assholes.

So, how will I end this rambling? I think I should share another find. This is not a satire. This is freaking real and scary and sad. And if you are at work, maybe you should skip the intro... its fucking disturbed... thetruthforyouth.com can be found here. Go there and at first you will laugh, and then you will get angry. Let your blood boil, its good for the soul...

No unclothed ladies, lots of pooh flinging.

And He Giggled And Giggled For The Live Long Day

First there was a rumoured video that I could not find...
Then it was found. It is a pretty little thing. Simply beautiful. Ahhh...

And then the questions mounted... where did this come from? Was Apple taking a swipe at Microsoft? Were the basement dwellers finding themselves with little to do between Next Door Nikki updates? Hmmm... we wondered, hmmmm...

And, now, the mystery has been solved, the riddle cracked... Check out this story to find out who or what was behind this evil bit of satire... Suprised? A little, I was as Yoda would say. Goddamn, I'm a geek.

Ciao.

Sweet Jumping Jesus On A Trampoline...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Strange Rumblings With A January Tan

Got back from the Dominican
last week.

Returned to a blizzard, with the threat of a night in Thunder Bay hanging over our heads. Could Air Canada suggest, maybe, staying in Toronto for the night? Guess not. Maybe they felt that Thunder Bay would be a righteous punishment on all the tanned chicos and chicas that had been hanging out in Pearson all day...

Returned to a minority Harper Conservative government. Can't wait to see the cabinet. Check out Rick Mercer's blog for a balanced and fair and objective view of the potentials... Click here now... Be sure to check out his latest photoshop orgy o' fun, also.

Returned to a Liberal party that nobody wants. Frank, Brian, Allan, John. They've all said no. Of course, for more fun and games, they also said no before the contest has even begun...

Returned with a complete and utter case of writer's block. Can you tell?

Returned to a birthday I didn't want to face. The wife and the friends managed to make me smile and accept this whole forty thing with some grace and a vodka smile. Nice. Love you guys, he slurs while the bar holds him vertical...

Returned with a new appreciation for what we've got here. Except for the snow. Hate the snow. Hate it. Love the sand. Love the ocean. Love the sound of palm trees in the wind. But I really hate the snow.

Returned with a bit of a tan. My skin doesen't resemble parchment anymore.

Returned with a deeper affection for my wife. We travelled abroad, and she didn't kill me in my sleep.

Did I mention I was in the freakin Domincian?

Blah Blah De Blahing Blah

So its been a wee while since I wrote on this thing. I apologize for the twelve seconds of your day you wasted checking here to see if there was anything new. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is very important to us. Really. It is.


I was going to babble on about the upcoming election. I was going to compare the elections of the past (a choice between The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) and this election (a choice between The Bad, The Bad and The Ugly).

I was going to ramble (somewhat coherently) about the irony of the country's reaction to the Conservative ads stating Paul Martin allowed $330 million to be squandered in the sponsership scandal and the press' reaction to the Liberal ad referring to the Conservative idea of a military post in every city or the one about Harper's cozy relationship with the Bush family. (By the by, the military ad has inspired some spoofs.)

I was even tempted to make a plea for everyone to try their best to ensure a minority government, I mean, do you want to give either of these jackasses total power? Jumpin Jesus on a trampoline. A full majority led by either of these fools will be entertaining, but, people, c'mon...

I was thinking about writing about the sad, sad attacks on patriotism I see whenever I happen to catch any political ad this season. Folks, are you worried about us becoming nationlaistic freaks like the Americans? Its already happened. Fuck, people. Get a grip. Its a fine line between accusing someone of being unpatriotic and screaming traitor at anyone who disagrees with your opinion. Yes, Steve Harper said some truly stupid shit about us a few years ago and should be held accountable. Yes, Paul Martin's family builds its boats offshore and should be held accountable. Yes, Jack Layton walks around like a self-righteous upper class tit with an umbrella shoved firmly up his ass and makes me giggle like a little girl. However, does this make any of them or their followers "un-Canadian"? Get a life, for Christ's sakes.

I was contemplating a deep, delicious round of political discourse followed by a heaping pile of steaming scorn. I was.

And then I thought, what would Chuck Norris do?

Interesting facts about Chuck Norris can be found here. Things to wonder at, to be bewildered by, to puzzle about and share with friends. For instance, did you know if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Think about it.

And then I thought about Rosario Dawson. Ahhhhh, Rosario. And I felt better.

The truly lovely Ms Dawson will be starring in Clerks 2, directed by (man-crush alert, man-crush alert) Kevin Smith. The teaser for which can be found here. Go now, and be amazed.

I will leave now, but not before sharing. By following clues and hints and arcane riddles, I found the home of Rodney Anonymous. He was in The Dead Milkmen. And his site is..., well... check it out.
Check it out here. Read his thoughts. You'll enjoy the journey, I'm sure.

P.S., if you think I'm totally off my nutter about any of the above, or you think my nutter and your nutter might be on the same page, drop a note.

It may inspire some pooh flinging.

If you came here expecting to find pictures of unclothed ladies flinging pooh, well, hey, I'm sorry, but you might want to check this out (nudity and rudeness alert, nudity and rudeness alert).

Happy Electsmas, Everyone...

I was trying to comment on Craig West's blog, but the freakin blog security thing kept telling me that I was entering shit wrong. So screw it. Here are my thougts, such as they are, on the state of Canadian politics, such as they are...
To read what set me off, check out Craig's blog. These are the comments that got me going.

Right off the top, we have to recognize that, while not a perfect example of democracy, our nation has the opportunity to spank the Liberals for lies, corruption and some truly despicable back-room boy-on-money love...
The Libs lied and were caught. The Libs stole and were caught. The Libs used an opportunity to keep this country in one piece and used it to launder money and pay for lots and lots of drinks and buy golf courses and make some friends richer. And, by the way, it wasn't the last time they had a majority... The last time they had a majority was when the shit hit the fan and they were found out.
It happened. They were caught.
So who do we blame for the Libs staying in power? What sneaky bastard let them back in to rule this country? Oh, yeah. It was ALL of us. We had the opportunity to show the Libs how we felt, and we told them, hey, some love lost, but not much...

So here we are again.

And what a strange, strange thing we wake up to... Harper and Martin are promising to spend money like druken sailors at a strip club on two-for-one night... Layton says, hey, I've got a plan, but, sorry, I can't tell you about it coz we've only had a year and a half to put it together and its not ready yet. And the Greens aren't sounding so green anymore.

This one seriously important election, folks.
Unless the Conservatives win a majority, Harper will become truly familiar with what its like to be in the midst of a feeding frenzy with a group of sharks on crystal meth. Unless the Libs win a majority, Martin will get curbed like a frat boy on a Saturday night outside the River Rock and will become a footnote in Canadian history, having his name mentioned in the same breath as Turner and Campbell...
The purges are on the way, people, it ain't gonna be pretty.

It isn't an easy decision, this election.
On the one hand we have the Libs who have yet to answer for their crimes. They need to pay the band, shut out the lights, and clean up. They also need to bring back Brian Tobin, but that's a whole other wish list.
The Conservatives need to get rid of the neo-cons. The vast majority of Canadians are very, very uncomfortable with this brand of social conservativism. We dig fiscal conservatism, but this whole angry white guy shit is just dumb.
And the NDP... well, they've kinda become the sad kid in the corner at a party where they can only join the cool kids when the cool kids need them to beat up the other cool kids. I loved their whole self-righteous act in the '70's and the '80's. Now, they are just kind of sad...
And, please, please stay away from the Greens. For everyone's sake, make these fucks shut up. Their leader is a former PC member and a motiviational speaker for multi-national corporations. Fuck.

Anyway, I've rambled more than enough, I think.

Just remember, when you vote, think nationally, act locally...

Strange Rumblings From The Christmas Mad

While checking out one of my favorite daily reads, The Museum Of Hoaxes(go check it out, I'll be waiting) I came across this.
Please, check it out.

Is it real, could he have really pulled it off? Its pretty cool either way.

Now, I'm going to go play with some Christmas lights. You should, too.

Strange Rumblings From The Great White North

Huh?

Is this real?

Check out the story...

What have you been up to, Roy?

Only one solution I can see...nuke it from orbit...

And so I worked hard, very hard, and wrote this whole thing about the kidnapping of the local fellow in Iraq and I was quite proud of it and I thought it was very nice and sensitive and then...and then Internet Explorer lost its fragile fucking mind and crashed and there went my very nice and sensitive and made-me-proud piece of writing that I have been working on for hours and hours and thinking about for days and days.


Fuck you Internet Explorer. First chance I get, I'm upgrading to OS X and waving good-bye to your sorry ass.

Fuck you Microsoft. Christ, you know it ain't easy...

Feel free to comment. I'm going to try again later, when I am not thinking evil thoughts about Bill Gates.

Strange Rumblings From...okay, this is fucked up...

Very, very odd...

Oh, boy.

Strange Rumblings While Staggering Around The Information Superhighway

One balding, middle-aged man's mumblings and bumblings while checking out this new-fangled thing called "The Internet"...

Having issues calling a call center? Tired of "your call is important to us" bullshit (a little known secret about working in a call center - when we call another department, a department no-one from the outside can get to, an assist line or another tier with no connection to the public at large, guess what we hear while waiting... "your call is important to us". Really.)? Tired of "press # then * then blah-blah-blah? Check this out - some dude is putting together a list of IVR cheats (that's the quasi-tech term for the fucking robot voice).
Here is the tale...
And here is the cheat sheet...
I checked - the call center I call home is not on the list, but one I did work at is.
Check it out. Now.

Other bits of coolness...

While searching for wholesome goodness for the soul, I came across this bit of high-speed photography...skynet.be. Check out the Bullet Technique. It is good when some folks have too much time on their hands.

And then there are the other folks...

Tired of having two nostrils when one would do the job? Are you? Click here and check out Human Upgrades...

Do you or does a man you know suffer from Behavioral Effeminism and Male Homosexuality Disorder? Then worry no more. Hetracil is here to save the day...

Looking for that one special Christmas gift for the cat-lover in your life? Bonsai Kitten to the rescue.

And another link for Roy...For you, my friend...

Strange Rumblings...

When watching the circus that is the American political system I have become accustomed to seeing all kinds of bizzaro-world things happen. Lots of Orwellian war is peace thinking, lots of "hey, we're the home of freedom so let's erode our freedoms at home and in the workplace" kind of kink, lots of 2 + 2 = 5 logic.
But the last few weeks have really hurt my head.

Dick Cheney, the V-P of the corporation to the south of us (unless you live in Windsor, where it is to the north of you... weird, huh?) has hit his head or is swallowing Percs or munching on shrooms or something.Dick Cheney has taken it upon himself to debate the merits of torture with John McCain... Remember - Dick has never been in the military, stayed the hell away from Viet Nam and is working for a guy who avoided the military due to his family connections. McCain, on the other hand, spent five and a half years in a pow camp - this dude was tortured, beaten, starved and pissed on. For Christ's sakes, the guy can't reach above his own fucking head.

Weird.

How big does your ego have to be, how large are your balls, how stoned or insane or demented or just plain delusional does one have to be to argue the merits of torture with someone who has been fucking tortured?

For more on Dick and McCain and the sad, sad, sad debate read this and this.

Strange days, indeed.

Also, Dick and Dubya keep repeating the "we do not torture" mantra.
Maybe the Fifth Estateshould be force fed into the American mindscape... The folks at the CBC did a fine job exposing a fermenting pile of shit and vomit and put in on some fine china for all of us to wonder at.

We should thank the stars every day for what we have in the CBC, by the way. The same night they broadcast this incredibly disturbing doc, Nightline NBC was blowing the lid wide open on the John Lennon murder... using audio interviews with Mark David Chapman from about fifteen years ago. And never once questioning the official story. Nice.

Maybe that's a clue into the major difference between Us and Them... They get pablum, we get a five-course meal served up in a really nice restaurant.

Hmmm... Things to ponder.

No pictures of unclothed ladies flinging pooh, but here's a link for Roy...click here, Roy...

Strange Rumblings From Afar

I saw U2 the other night.

Bono spoke of Important Things and the band played like an unstoppable freight train. The crowd was fifty thousand strong and knew most of what they heard.

I saw U2 the other night.

A new band led by Gavin of Bush opened the night. We were polite, but they bored me. Gavin - skipper and bad dancer...

I saw U2 the other night.

Before experiencing them live, I had always assumed the band belonged to Bono and The Edge. Now... I assume the band follows Adam. He is a force of nature, a professor of the funk, a professor of the punk and a champion of the groove. Someone had to behind their rapid changes of style.

I saw U2 the other night.

They played Gloria. The Detroit crowd sang the chorus. It is an odd site watching fifty thousand people sing Latin, but, hey, it happened.

I saw U2 the other night.

Larry has a portrait of himself hidden in his attic at home that is aging. Cause he ain't.

I saw U2 the other night.

And it got me thinking... When this band sings of faith and God and religion and Jesus, we don't mock. We don't duck out for a quick smoke. We don't cuss them out for bringing down the party. When Social D plays When the Angels Sing or Angel Wings or Ball and Chain the pit doesn't stop, the room doesn't empty. When Johnny Cash would release an album of gospel music, we accepted it. And it go me thinking... Is this an example of a 3-dimensional faith? Are we (meaning, well, me...) more accepting of someone else's religious views and someone else's faith and relationship with their God and their beliefs if that person has walked thru fire and stood on the edge of the cliff and wakes up every day and has to decide if today they will be Good or if today they will Bad and their demons hound them every second of their life and it is a constant struggle to look in the mirror and be proud of what they see? I swear, when I listen to Hank Williams Sr, I can almost hear the battle going on in his head... Is that why I can listen to his suicide songs and his drinking songs and his goofy songs and his faith songs? Don't know, really... I can't stand listening to white choral music, but I get a groove on for black gospel. What's up with that? Things to ponder.

I saw U2 the other night.

And just as I was feeling real good, real comfortable with pop stars speaking their minds, with people in the music industry taking a pro-acitve role in world affairs and matters of the mind and things bigger than themselves... 50 Cent opened his mouth. The destruction of the Gulf Coast was supposed to happen? The displacement of hundreds of thousands of people, the deaths, the devestation of entire communities was what... God's practical joke? Once again to prove how important Chuck D is to world of hip-hop and rap... 50 Cent speaks his mind. Shut up 50. Please. Thank you.

I saw U2 the other night.

They made me feel good about the world.